If you've been following along, you know I love my fully remote job. The peace of my office, the absence of a commute, and above all how controlled the social side of it is.
My defining trait is introversion. Social situations drain me, and meeting people I don't know well is one of the most nerve-wracking experiences I regularly face. You can see why working from home solves a lot of problems for me.
This week I'm travelling to London for an in-person event, the company Summer Party.
As you'd imagine, it hasn't been an easy week mentally. The saving grace is that I've been buried in feature work, so I haven't had much room to dwell on it. But the moment I slow down, the tension surfaces. Every small detail starts to feel like an insurmountable obstacle, and part of me just wants the trip to be over before it's begun.
Seeing my team, though, is something I'm genuinely looking forward to. I'm fond of these people, and there have been a few additions over recent months I'll be meeting in person for the first time. The team has been built well, the personalities fit, and I always enjoy their company. Time with them is reliably good.
What I'm dreading is the volume of everyone else. The introductions, the conversations, and above all the small talk. I'm bad at small talk. I never know what to ask, how long to keep going, where the line is between curious and nosy, interested and intrusive. That's my brain at work, and it'll run like that for the entire event.
Team exercises are another weak spot. I dislike being put on the spot, that nagging sense afterward that I should have prepared more or handled myself better. To be clear, nobody at my company has ever deliberately made me feel that way. It's the possibility of it, however unintentional, that generates the stress.
The obvious objection is: so why go at all?
It's fair. These events aren't mandatory. I could stay home and work, or take a couple of days off instead. Problem solved, no stress, easier life.
But would it really be easier?
No. Wholeheartedly, no.
I've spent my whole life fighting these aspects of my personality. I often lose. But I genuinely believe that putting myself in situations outside my comfort zone is how I grow. Not going would just be a quiet surrender, letting that side of me win, and I'd feel worse for it afterward than any amount of small talk could make me feel.
The other reason is that I see the real value in these events. They go beyond networking or politics or a good time. Every single one I've attended, I've come home richer for it. A better understanding of the company, my team, my own role. Deeper conversations with people I usually only see as faces in a Slack channel. The discomfort is real, but it's temporary. The growth tends to settle in slowly and stay.
I might feel out of place. I might not enjoy parts of it. I'll almost certainly be drained by the end. But the good bits accumulate, and over time they build something solid underneath.
So I'm nervous, but I'm not going to run from it. I'll swallow the pill and look for the best parts. At that point, the rest won't matter nearly as much.